“I know exactly what they’ll say”…
I hear this phrase a lot from people when speaking about their partners.
Apparently psychic abilities exist and are much more common than we thought!
But no really… we can read minds now??
Look I get it. Maybe there is some stuff you’ve discussed ( or argued ) about several times over a number of years. To be fair if you don’t take that stuff on board it’s certainly going to irritate your partner to ask again.
The truth is you never actually know what your partner is thinking. Only they can tell you that.
Maybe they won’t chose to share it but that’s on them. You only have control of your side of the table.
Even if you’ve been in a long term relationship somethings ( especially if they are important to you ) are worth revisiting periodically. If it’s been 10 years since you last asked your partner about a topic / idea / fantasy that’s a lot of time and your partner and you will have changed.
A gentle way to approach this would be to frame your current understanding, explain you aren’t asking in order to get anything but you’re curious has the situation changed?
For example let’s say in the past as a couple you’ve discussed the idea of role-play and your partner wasn’t keen on it. Perhaps it took courage to ask, they declined and now you feel rejected.
An example of how you could frame this now is something like:
“Hey, I know in the past when we mentioned role-play you said you weren’t keen on the idea but that was a long time ago and lot has happened since then. I respect that may still be the case but I was wondering how do you feel about it now?”
( Always use your own words so it feels natural! )
Notice the avoidance of assumptions. In this example I didn’t say something like “Knowing you I imagine that’s not changed much but..”
This is very intentional use of language as it avoids creating negativity in our partner. We aren’t preloading it with wording that can be seen as judgemental and critical. Even if what we meant was “I feel I know you well” it can land very differently.
All our partner might hear in this situation is “you never change and you constantly disappoint me”. Not exactly putting our partners in playful light mood to discuss something fun!
Think about how often you avoid asking your partner questions because you think you know their mind better than them.
Get curious
Be gentle and loving
Ask better questions
See what changes…
( I’d love to know so feel to drop me a DM if you try this approach! )
